The Sovereign Parent

When Breaking the Rules Reveals True Authority

I am a champion of families having a consistent view and strong values. However, over the years my wife and I have been more than happy to break the rules with regards to our children when we felt that they would benefit from that.

The German political theorist Carl Schmitt once observed that "sovereign is he who decides on the exception." Schmitt was writing about political crises - moments when normal legal frameworks prove inadequate and someone must decide whether to suspend ordinary rules. His focus was on emergency powers and ultimate authority in extreme circumstances.

While Schmitt's theory deals with the darker realities of political power, there's an analogous principle in family life. Parents, too, face moments when their established systems cannot adequately address what's unfolding. The question becomes: who has the authority to recognise when normal family rules must yield to extraordinary circumstances?

The parent who rigidly enforces every rule may appear authoritative, but the parent who recognises when exceptional situations require exceptional responses demonstrates genuine sovereignty. This isn't about abandoning structure or becoming permissive. It's about understanding that even the best family systems occasionally encounter situations they weren't designed to handle.

The strongest families aren't necessarily those with the most comprehensive rule systems. They're the ones where parents have developed the wisdom to recognise when their own rules should be suspended in service of something more important. These moments of exception often become the most meaningful interactions between parents and children, not because boundaries disappeared, but because love transcended procedure.

The Prison of Perfect Consistency

Modern parenting culture has developed an unhealthy obsession with consistency. Browse any parenting forum and you'll encounter endless discussions about maintaining boundaries, following through on consequences, and ensuring children know exactly what to expect. There's wisdom in predictability, certainly, but this emphasis on unwavering consistency has created its own problems.

The philosopher John Stuart Mill warned against the tyranny of prevailing opinion, and contemporary parenting culture demonstrates this perfectly. Parents who deviate from established routines often face judgment from other families, leading to a kind of performative rigidity where appearing consistent becomes more important than responding wisely to individual situations.

Consider how many households operate like bureaucracies rather than families. Every deviation from routine becomes a crisis. Parents feel compelled to enforce every rule regardless of context. The system matters more than the people it's supposed to serve. These families may appear admirably organised from the outside, but their children often struggle with uncertainty and independent thinking more than those from more flexible homes.

The fear appears to be that one exception will unravel everything, that children will exploit any flexibility and chaos will ensue. Yet families that embrace thoughtful flexibility often raise more adaptable, secure children than those governed by inflexible systems.

Authority Through Wisdom, Not Control

Aristotle distinguished between different forms of knowledge: episteme (theoretical knowledge) and phronesis (practical wisdom). Many modern parents excel at the former while struggling with the latter. They master parenting theories and methodologies but falter when real situations demand nuanced judgment.

True parental authority emerges not from perfect rule enforcement but from the demonstration of practical wisdom in unique circumstances. Children learn to trust their parents' judgment when they witness thoughtful decision-making rather than mechanical rule application.

Some families discover that strategic exceptions create deeper understanding than consistent enforcement ever could. A teenager who experiences a parent suspending usual expectations during a particularly challenging period learns something profound about the nature of authority and compassion. They understand that their parents see them as individuals rather than cases to be processed through a predetermined system.

The communication that flows from these moments often proves transformational. Children feel safer sharing genuine concerns when they sense flexibility rather than rigidity. They're more likely to approach parents with real problems when they believe they'll encounter wisdom rather than predetermined responses.

The Courage of Inconsistency

Hannah Arendt wrote extensively about the distinction between power and violence, arguing that true power emerges from acting in concert with others rather than imposing one's will through force. This distinction proves remarkably relevant to family dynamics.

Parents who rely exclusively on rule enforcement often mistake control for authority. They create compliance through fear of consequences rather than respect for wisdom. Conversely, parents secure enough in their leadership to make exceptions demonstrate genuine authority. They don't need rigid systems to prove their position.

This requires considerable courage. Other parents may question such decisions. Children might initially test boundaries when they realise exceptions are possible. There's always the risk that flexibility could be perceived as weakness or inconsistency as chaos.

Yet children often feel more secure with parents who demonstrate thoughtful inconsistency than with those who enforce rigid consistency. They learn to trust their parents' judgment rather than just their parents' system. They develop confidence in their family's ability to navigate uncertainty together.

Learning from Exception

When children experience thoughtful rule-breaking, they absorb lessons that no amount of consistent enforcement could provide. They discover that rules serve purposes rather than existing as ends in themselves. They learn to ask not just "what's the rule?" but "what's the right thing to do in this situation?"

Children from very rigid households sometimes struggle when they encounter situations where the rules aren't clear: university life, early careers, relationships. They've become skilled at following systems but haven't developed the capacity to think through principles when established procedures don't apply.

The anthropologist Clifford Geertz wrote about "thick description" and the importance of understanding context in human behaviour. Children who experience strategic exceptions learn to read context in ways that purely rule-following children may not. They develop sophisticated understanding of when principles require different applications.

These children often display remarkable adaptability as they mature. They've learned that wisdom sometimes requires departing from established patterns. They understand that life rarely fits neatly into predetermined categories and that intelligent responses often require creative thinking.

Beyond Rules to Principles

The families that navigate this balance most successfully operate from principles rather than rigid procedures. They maintain clear values while keeping flexible methods. Their parents have developed what might be called sovereign wisdom: the ability to see beyond their own systems to what each situation actually requires.

This doesn't mean abandoning structure or expectations. Strong families always have clear values and general patterns. But within that framework, there's room for exceptions, for responding to individual needs, for recognising that human situations often transcend simple categorisation.

The Gift of Being Seen

Perhaps the greatest gift parents can offer their children is the experience of being governed by wisdom rather than mere rules. When children witness thoughtful exceptions, they learn that authority serves love rather than existing for its own sake.

They discover that their parents are thinking beings capable of adaptation and growth rather than enforcement mechanisms applying predetermined algorithms. They experience the profound security that comes from being truly seen as individuals rather than generic cases requiring standard processing.

The question isn't whether families should have rules and expectations. Of course they should. The question is whether parents have the courage and wisdom to recognise when those rules should yield to something more important.

That recognition, perhaps more than any perfectly enforced system, demonstrates what genuine parental authority looks like. It shows children that they live not under law alone, but under love expressed through wisdom.

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Richard Morrissey is a father of nine and the author of the forthcoming ebook "Forge Your Path: A Father's Guide for Young Men." His weekly reflections on family life are published at Happy Family, Better World.